why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
