Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
