Pappa wants mamma naked
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
