I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
