I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
