I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
