No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
