I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Actions speak louder than pants.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
