I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
