i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So many bounce houses so little time
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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