I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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