She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
