He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
