God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
