i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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