I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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