One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
