So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You don't make any sense
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