I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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