Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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