I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
