we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
