clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
