who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
