You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
