How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
