I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
