I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
