well I can't set my house on fire every night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
