I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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