he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
