Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All the doctor said was why
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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