I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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