I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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