I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
