Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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