I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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