If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
