I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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