A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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