you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
