Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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