Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
