dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
