Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
