oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
