Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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