shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
