He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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