Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
