I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
